I apologise to readers for having neglected this blog . The past few months saw me travelling abroad ( for the first time in my life outside South Asia) ... It was divine walking down the streets of a cold , windswept European town. Suddenly , India seemed far away --- and suddenly it was as if it existed in another world..
Seeing gay people free to live their lives the way they wanted to without having to hide anything about their sexual identities was a pleasant shock. I knew about it and had heard about it .... but to see it with one's own eyes is a different experience.
This is not to say that the world in Europe is perfect . There are of course a lot of glitches , but its still incomparably more liberal than it is in India.
One regretted as to why it wasnt possible in India to be so , but then India comes from a different cultural , religious and historical tradition. Almost everything in India is different from how it is in Europe.
Back home in India , when i returned i saw that my father's health is declining.
I have had an atrocious relationship with my father ... We both gave each other a lot of pain .. and just to spite each other.
I still think he was wrong and stupid in so many ways. But now I feel sorry for him , I feel bad for him.
His health is bad and declining , I think he wont live long .. ( I hope i am wrong)
I remember him when i was a kid . He was for the most time , bitter sarcastic and cynical . Yet at others he was child like and very enthusiastic....
He would tell stories of his parents in their house in Calcutta , of their wealth and splendour .. of Burma and its teak forests and rubies .... of the family memories of Asia's richest country.
As a kid , i would not understand ... for me the the miserable heat of the north indian summer was a more pressing reality. Now as an adult , i can better understand how difficult it is for an adult in economically straitened circumstances to face the situation when you grew up in the lap of luxury.
But then , i did not understand......
As memory goes back , I remember South Delhi of the late 80's and the early 90's. My father racing to listen to the cricket news.
Today that enthusiastic man is gone and there is a broken , older man at death's door.
I cannot forgive him , but i feel sorry.. Both for him and myself .
Did it all have to end this way? It could have been so different.
Since i dont have any siblings , These are thoughts i just have to keep to myself.
I just hope things are different from now on .. One has to make them different , by whatever means necessary
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
A Different Summer
Delhi's infrastructure is really in a bad shape--- with the COmmonwealth Games on the anvil --- any improvement in the facilities in the city can only be evaluated once the games are over.
The city's growth is converting vast portions of it into a gigantic slum. This is the sign of looming urban disaster.
Indian cities are due to become megalopolises due to the country's population explosion. However unless these cities are planned carefully --- the quality of life for the ordinary residents keeps plunging new depths in mediocrity.
The city's growth is converting vast portions of it into a gigantic slum. This is the sign of looming urban disaster.
Indian cities are due to become megalopolises due to the country's population explosion. However unless these cities are planned carefully --- the quality of life for the ordinary residents keeps plunging new depths in mediocrity.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Womens' Rights And Gay Rights
Its my strong feeling that only societies which accord rights to women can accord rights to their gay citizens as well .
Patriarchy has always treated the woman and her body as the property of masculinity. Only when women are themselves accorded rights can male homosexuals be liberated from the straitjacket that a patriarchical society imposes upon them in terms of behaviour which is acceptable and unacceptable.
As far as India is concerned , a country which lives in several states of mind can experience only fitful progress. Change in the Indian context is a glacial process , which demands patience and the ability to deal with constraints and yet not be held hostage by them
I am making my peace with India as a society i live in now .. Its been incredibly hard for me to do so ... but its essential for me to be at peace within. Only when a person is at peace within can he face the challenges external to his being.
Patriarchy has always treated the woman and her body as the property of masculinity. Only when women are themselves accorded rights can male homosexuals be liberated from the straitjacket that a patriarchical society imposes upon them in terms of behaviour which is acceptable and unacceptable.
As far as India is concerned , a country which lives in several states of mind can experience only fitful progress. Change in the Indian context is a glacial process , which demands patience and the ability to deal with constraints and yet not be held hostage by them
I am making my peace with India as a society i live in now .. Its been incredibly hard for me to do so ... but its essential for me to be at peace within. Only when a person is at peace within can he face the challenges external to his being.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
The Long Weekend
The job hunt is enabling me to reconnect with people i knew ages back professionally. I am really struck by the way people evaluate each other .. How much money is he/she earning ? is he/she in a position wherein he can help me / be of use to me in the future ?
Its interesting to see how career oriented and ruthlessly competitive the entire system is. Opportunism clothed in principle and hoary objectives is always the key.
Another important thing is networking ... If you want to succeed in your career , you MUST network effectively. The best jobs never get advertised and the key to learning about them is to to have a pig's ability to ferret out truffles.
One interesting meeting was with an ex-colleague who thanks to her manipulative abilities , family connections and icy focus on her career goals is doing , in her "own words- so much more better than me!" . This lady was romantically interested in me when we were colleagues , but being gay i obviously wasnt interested. Since i couldnt tell her that i was gay and hence not interested , I fobbed her off with excuses. She still bears a grudge against me it seemed . She took great joy in informing me that she had got married two months back and was expecting a reaction from me. I had nothing to say except offer warm congratulations which only seemed to irritate her ..
Ah the crosses one has to bear when one is not free to be true to one's self --- Wish i was in a city like London , free to be what i really am. But then , if wishes were horses beggars would ride :-). So one stays in India, the facades remain and the storyline continues.
Its interesting to see how career oriented and ruthlessly competitive the entire system is. Opportunism clothed in principle and hoary objectives is always the key.
Another important thing is networking ... If you want to succeed in your career , you MUST network effectively. The best jobs never get advertised and the key to learning about them is to to have a pig's ability to ferret out truffles.
One interesting meeting was with an ex-colleague who thanks to her manipulative abilities , family connections and icy focus on her career goals is doing , in her "own words- so much more better than me!" . This lady was romantically interested in me when we were colleagues , but being gay i obviously wasnt interested. Since i couldnt tell her that i was gay and hence not interested , I fobbed her off with excuses. She still bears a grudge against me it seemed . She took great joy in informing me that she had got married two months back and was expecting a reaction from me. I had nothing to say except offer warm congratulations which only seemed to irritate her ..
Ah the crosses one has to bear when one is not free to be true to one's self --- Wish i was in a city like London , free to be what i really am. But then , if wishes were horses beggars would ride :-). So one stays in India, the facades remain and the storyline continues.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Movies seen
I saw the following movies recently :
My Name is Khan
Three Idiots
Avatar
They were better than the usual lot but not extraordinary.
I saw the British BBC soap Eastenders on the internet recently , particularly interesting was their gay plot involving a muslim and englishman respectively. Somehow the plot seemed to confirm to the typical traditional stereotypes a bit. But the story is good and the actors are good to look at , ( Just their faces and nothing else i Promise :-) )
My Name is Khan
Three Idiots
Avatar
They were better than the usual lot but not extraordinary.
I saw the British BBC soap Eastenders on the internet recently , particularly interesting was their gay plot involving a muslim and englishman respectively. Somehow the plot seemed to confirm to the typical traditional stereotypes a bit. But the story is good and the actors are good to look at , ( Just their faces and nothing else i Promise :-) )
Friday, February 12, 2010
had an interview the other day .... the lady who interviewed me was very nice BUT i was so damn tired since i had been working late the previous night that i am afraid i have messed it up.. this when my present job is really unbearable ...
when the hell am i going to be happy in life ?
ok , lets change the topic -- i saw some television programs recently. I rarely watch TV since i get my news from the internet , but news channels can be interesting at times.
One topic which indian channels seem to love is comparing India and China. In my opinion , this is a rather cliched topic. These are two very different countries which are dissimilar in almost every way. Similarities might be their huge population and the "developing" status which these two countries supposedly share.
I havent visited China but i do have a chinese friend who works in my employer's chinese offices. Interacting with her has taught me a lot about china that someone who just knows about china from media reports wouldnt be aware of .
From her description , China comes across as a diverse country ( 56 nationalities!) but it also has a dominant mainstream culture.The Chinese history is that of centralised rule by empires and emperors. Just one Empress in 5000 years of Chinese history!Neighbours were usually considered barbarians and absorbed into the empire via war , trade and cultural influences. The nation has been conquered by foreign "barbarians" several times in its history but no invasion has been able to change its fundamental character and sense of mission. Strong central rule , and absorption of neighbouring countries has led to China growing bigger and bigger under each empire. The march of China has only been stopped by natural barriers like the sea or by determined opponents who have fought chinese armies to a standstill.Today China borders India over a vast and undemarcated border. It is a recipe for trouble but that depends on the way it is handled.
In my opinion , India can hold its own vis-a-vis China only if it develops its economic strength and achieves political cohesiveness.To maintain peace and co-operation a balance of power is necessary. China is poised to keep growing due to its policies and resources and India better keep up if it wants to be of any consequence in Chinese eyes.
when the hell am i going to be happy in life ?
ok , lets change the topic -- i saw some television programs recently. I rarely watch TV since i get my news from the internet , but news channels can be interesting at times.
One topic which indian channels seem to love is comparing India and China. In my opinion , this is a rather cliched topic. These are two very different countries which are dissimilar in almost every way. Similarities might be their huge population and the "developing" status which these two countries supposedly share.
I havent visited China but i do have a chinese friend who works in my employer's chinese offices. Interacting with her has taught me a lot about china that someone who just knows about china from media reports wouldnt be aware of .
From her description , China comes across as a diverse country ( 56 nationalities!) but it also has a dominant mainstream culture.The Chinese history is that of centralised rule by empires and emperors. Just one Empress in 5000 years of Chinese history!Neighbours were usually considered barbarians and absorbed into the empire via war , trade and cultural influences. The nation has been conquered by foreign "barbarians" several times in its history but no invasion has been able to change its fundamental character and sense of mission. Strong central rule , and absorption of neighbouring countries has led to China growing bigger and bigger under each empire. The march of China has only been stopped by natural barriers like the sea or by determined opponents who have fought chinese armies to a standstill.Today China borders India over a vast and undemarcated border. It is a recipe for trouble but that depends on the way it is handled.
In my opinion , India can hold its own vis-a-vis China only if it develops its economic strength and achieves political cohesiveness.To maintain peace and co-operation a balance of power is necessary. China is poised to keep growing due to its policies and resources and India better keep up if it wants to be of any consequence in Chinese eyes.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
My job hunt continues .....
My company is planning to retrench people , and lazy that i am I have just updated my CV....
Sigh....
AM regretting right now . regretting about not sending it to my late uncle (God Bless his soul) who kept telling me to send him my CV. By the time i could manage to send it , newspapers informed us of his sad demise.
It was sad....
Now i have to find another job , and find it fast. The current job is unbearable anyway whichever way i see it .I need to exhale.As far the daily commute is concerned ... am sick of Delhi's traffic jams , its insane driving habits , ill mannered people on the road who scream profanities at the drop of a hat .
Ah well , Maybe God will listen to my prayers and give me a new day to see ..... A new dawn , just like the face of a newly born child somehow makes all the struggle and the silent tears worth it ..
The most beautiful thing in life is hope and i hope it seems me through to the logical end :-)
Sigh....
AM regretting right now . regretting about not sending it to my late uncle (God Bless his soul) who kept telling me to send him my CV. By the time i could manage to send it , newspapers informed us of his sad demise.
It was sad....
Now i have to find another job , and find it fast. The current job is unbearable anyway whichever way i see it .I need to exhale.As far the daily commute is concerned ... am sick of Delhi's traffic jams , its insane driving habits , ill mannered people on the road who scream profanities at the drop of a hat .
Ah well , Maybe God will listen to my prayers and give me a new day to see ..... A new dawn , just like the face of a newly born child somehow makes all the struggle and the silent tears worth it ..
The most beautiful thing in life is hope and i hope it seems me through to the logical end :-)
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Update on my Life & Happy 2010!
Rediffblogs format keeps changing and from now on i will be posting at this new address :http://jalajvaivaswat.blogspot.com
I wish all of you a very happy new year , a great 2010 and lots of happiness . I hope this world sees peace and progress in this coming year . news from my end : i am hunting for a new job , the present one having become a nightmare. I have a manager who while he makes life miserable for me , never hesitates asking me about why i am not married yet!its very irritating .
SO i would urge all of you to wish me luck in my search for a less unpleasant job.
Other News : I havent been posting regularly because there have been a few deaths in the family. People are becoming conscious of their own mortality and dynamics are in a state of flux...
My parents have been unwell and that has placed severe demands on my time . I have been very lonely too in the intervening period
thats me signing off for now
Jalaj
I wish all of you a very happy new year , a great 2010 and lots of happiness . I hope this world sees peace and progress in this coming year . news from my end : i am hunting for a new job , the present one having become a nightmare. I have a manager who while he makes life miserable for me , never hesitates asking me about why i am not married yet!its very irritating .
SO i would urge all of you to wish me luck in my search for a less unpleasant job.
Other News : I havent been posting regularly because there have been a few deaths in the family. People are becoming conscious of their own mortality and dynamics are in a state of flux...
My parents have been unwell and that has placed severe demands on my time . I have been very lonely too in the intervening period
thats me signing off for now
Jalaj
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)