My job hunt continues .....

My company is planning to retrench people , and lazy that i am I have just updated my CV....


Sigh....

AM regretting right now . regretting about not sending it to my late uncle (God Bless his soul) who kept telling me to send him my CV. By the time i could manage to send it , newspapers informed us of his sad demise.

It was sad....

Now i have to find another job , and find it fast. The current job is unbearable anyway whichever way i see it .I need to exhale.As far the daily commute is concerned ... am sick of Delhi's traffic jams , its insane driving habits , ill mannered people on the road who scream profanities at the drop of a hat .

Ah well , Maybe God will listen to my prayers and give me a new day to see ..... A new dawn , just like the face of a newly born child somehow makes all the struggle and the silent tears worth it ..


The most beautiful thing in life is hope and i hope it seems me through to the logical end :-)

Update on my Life & Happy 2010!

Rediffblogs format keeps changing and from now on i will be posting at this new address :http://jalajvaivaswat.blogspot.com
I wish all of you a very happy new year , a great 2010 and lots of happiness . I hope this world sees peace and progress in this coming year . news from my end : i am hunting for a new job , the present one having become a nightmare. I have a manager who while he makes life miserable for me , never hesitates asking me about why i am not married yet!its very irritating .
SO i would urge all of you to wish me luck in my search for a less unpleasant job.
Other News : I havent been posting regularly because there have been a few deaths in the family. People are becoming conscious of their own mortality and dynamics are in a state of flux...
My parents have been unwell and that has placed severe demands on my time . I have been very lonely too in the intervening period
thats me signing off for now
Jalaj

Indian Elections – 2009

Today it was election day in New Delhi. I wasn’t well and didn’t go and vote.I was wondering about Indian democracy and what it had brought the Indian people. Sixty years after independence from the British we still have so many problems to deal with. There have been great achievements , but pride in them is tinged with the bitter realization of the many horrors still rampant in this country.For the last twenty years we have been having coalitions of different varieties in Delhi. This is because the Indian electorate is not homogenous and is divided on the basis of language , religion , caste and vested interests. Consequently it is not clear whether this election will throw up . I expect a coalition under which things will carry on as before . The absence of the communist parties will act as a spur to much needed economic reform. Their presence will result in a continuation of economically ruinous policies.India’s fiscal deficit is mounting .Poverty and inequity continue to asphyxiate the people while the politicians fool them on the basis of religion and caste. Religion and caste are real problems. Outward tolerance does not mean that people accept religious differences. In many parts of the country hindu-muslim relations remain poignantly fraught. In addition , conflicts between Christian missionaries and hindu right wing activists for souls in the tribal areas mean more trouble lies ahead . Internationally the rise of the Taliban in neighbouring Pakistan means that the security challenges will increase . It is sad that while the overweening objective should be the deliverance of the poor from need and want , the Indian taxpayer will infact be financing an ever increasing security apparatus with its paraphernalia of missile , nuclear and non conventional weapon programs.Enemies within and adversaries without beset the Indian state.As a gay person , I have no hope that any Indian government will in the near or medium term future decriminalize homosexuality in India. For all the outward façade of modernity India is and will remain a deeply conservative society plumbing the zenith of hypocrisy when it comes to conduct in the matter of sexuality.As these elections are poised to end , I wonder if any of the Prime Ministerial candidates , that is the BJP’s L K Advani and his rival Manmohan Singh have the capacity or the wherewithal to being real change. The system is such that change is difficult . Democracy for its many odious failings in the Indian context , has kept the country together by giving people the illusion that they have a voice . Yet the reality is that rights and the ability to enjoy them are the preserve of the elite . In a few days , we will know the complexion of India’s political firmament. As an Indian who inspite all its failings, loves his country I hope that we get the leadership and vision which can steer the ship of state through the choppy seas ahead.

Questions and Answers

One of the readers of this blog sent me an email asking a few questions . I thought that the answers to these questions would be of general interest. Here they are :-

(Note :- Some of these questions have complex answers , and thus brevity might render the answer incomplete . But these answers are brief due to time constraints.. I can further elucidate if readers find them of interest .)


Q.What I really wanted to get a handle on was how the indian gay scene has developed over the last, say, five years and what role has the internet played?

Ans.

Over the last five years its become easier to access gay networks via the internet. The internet makes anonymity and access to sex easier. But I don’t think it leads to any change in mindset. What we now have is a high technology closet.

There are nightclubs which have gay events, the authorities are persuaded to look the other way. Means of persuasion might include financial incentives to the enforcing authority.

A lot of people now know what homosexuality , in terms of sexual attraction to other men is. This again , does not mean that people are tolerant or accepting of it.

The media , restricted to English channels only and the print media ( again English) do highlight homosexuality from time to time.The vernacular channels usually adopt in unison, thunderous silence on all such sensitive issues.



Question
I know that 377 makes gay sex illegal. How is it enforced? Is it enforced?


Ans.
Sec 377 is like a Damocles sword over the heads of the homosexual populace.It is enforced from time to time but not on a systematic nationwide basis at one single time.
It’s a very useful tool to extort bribes from gays, especially those who fall into the custody of the law and are found to be homosexuals. Unless Section 377 goes,one cannot even begin an improvement vis-à-vis today’s realities


Question
How constrained do you feel in your everyday life?

Ans.
I feel constrained in every department of life as I am gay



Question
Do you think things have changed dramatically recently?
Ans.
No, it unfortunately hasn’t


Question
For instance there have been gay pride marches now in 5 (?) cities.


Ans.
Yes there were , and many people attended them masked Doesn’t that say it all ?


Question
How public can you be? What was the reaction of yor parents and what is the reaction of your friends parents when they come out to them?

Ans.

Most gays ( I would say 95 % ) are not public about being gays .

My parents don’t know I am gay. My friends , well in some cases their parents do know about their being homosexuals. Most parents are not exactly overjoyed. Reasons are many and varied but culture , religion and not being “normal” are the most common reasons.

Most gays I know are not out to their parents or other family members


Question
What role does religion and culture play?

Ans.

This is very complicated . In a nutshell , the role played by both is very negative



Question
What is the position of 'third sex' / transsexuals in the dominant culture and in gay culture?

Ans.

Social outcastes , who are tolerated on the fringes of a brutal society.its a terrible life –with many working as prostitutes .

In the gay culture , they are avoided by most “straight acting” gays who wouldn’t like to be caught dead in their company.

One of the choice hindi expletives used for gays is the word used in Hindi for is the synonym of the Hindi word for the “third sex” .. Is any further comment necessary?



Question
I read that the guy who represented India in The Mr International Gay sought asylum in USA. Does that tell us something about how difficult life is for gay people in India now?

Ans.

It is excruciatingly difficult of course …….

I have no idea about the reasons for the guy representing India seeking asylum in the USA

Nepal- Perspectives

My first trip abroad …. .. the plane takes off from Delhi the day after the terrorist attack on Bombay. There seems to be an air of suspense in the airport . People regard each other with wary , suspicious eyes in the airport . It seems eerie ..

New Delhi airport is undergoing renovation. The dream is to make it a “world class airport” Well , the prices at least seem world class , even if at times the facilities don’t.

I look for the counter of the airline which is going to take me to the Nepalese capital , Kathmandu. Nepal Airlines seems to be a government owned airline. The staff is absolutely uninterested. They tell me that the flight will be late, . The ticket is cheap I tell myself , you will have to bear the inconvenience. The Finnair crew at the airport pass me by , the flight to Helsinki is due … . Suddenly comparisons seem very odious.

Hours go by , there is no announcement . Eventually all the flights by Indian airline companies flying to the Nepalese capital leave. I realize its painful to spend time at an airport waiting for a flight . Waiting for Godot seems less tiresome

A couple ( heterosexual obviously ) sitting next to me is wondering about the fact that Rs 500 and above denomination Indian currency notes are not accepted in Nepal. I race to change these denominations into the acceptable ones . The duty free shops in the airport are most unhelpful . I didn’t know that being rude to users was part of the “world class” airport ambience

Eventually the announcement of the flight to Kathmandu is made , and the passengers race to reach the counter . The staff of the Nepalese carrier look on .. bored . What an airline , I wonder .. They are making Indian customer care , look angelic by comparison.

We start the tiresome entry procedures. It takes a lot of time before we are seated in the plane . The plane is in a derelict condition and packed with Indians. The flight finally takes off.

The seats are extremely uncomfortable . The flight to Kathmandu is short , within half an hour the pilot makes an announcement that we are over Lucknow . Soon an announcement follows that we are about to exit Indian airspace and enter Nepalese airspace. Nothing seems to be changing on the ground . But soon the peaks of the Himalayas come into view .They look magnificent . Beyond these mountains , lie even higher mountains .. Till the Himalayas reach their zenith . Then comes the plateau .. Tibet and then China proper.One day I tell myself , I will make this trip .

Soon an announcement crackles about the crew taking position to land is made The city is set in a valley . As the plane descends we can see an urban sprawl. The plane taxies into the airport.

The airport seems dead in comparison to Delhi. A flights stand on the tarmac. Pakistan International Airways flight from Karachi has just landed before us . We could see the planes bound for other destinations in Asia waiting on the tarmac.Soon we are about to leave the airport.

Compared to the Delhi airport the kathmandu airport seems blissfully quiet in comparison . In Delhi airport one got the impression of a nation under siege with the crowds demanding a blood sacrifice. In Kathmandu the air is sleepy, if not placid. One can see flights from Qatar , Bangkok , Seoul and China. There seem to be very few signboards in English. Thankfully Nepali language is written in the same script as Hindi and thus I could read everything. In addition the Nepali language is laced with Sanskrit words , which makes partial comprehension easier.

We head out of the airport , and I search for where I should go . The place and the people seem similar to India and yet different. Luckily I spot the driver from the hotel where I had booked a room waiting for me with a name board. I get into the hotel vehicle and load my luggage. My co-passeners are Caucasian with an English accent dissimilar to any I have heard so far. I later learn they are Australians here on an exotic holiday. They ask me what brings me to Kathmandu , and I say “ am here on work” . Which actually , is part lie and part truth.

The vehicle driver starts talking to me in Hindi the moment he realizes I am from Delhi. He has stayed in India and has many memories. I smile brightly and let him talk while my eyes take in the streets and people peopling them in this city. Its 5 PM but the sun is already setting . Its cold and getting colder… The city is congested and highly polluted. I ask the driver : “ why is there so much pollution “ . He gives a wan smile : The fuel comes from India and the Indian companies supply adulterated fuel. Ahh I See is my response.

The Nepalese have strangely ambiguous attitudes towards India. Most of them have some Indian connection. . Some of them despise India and others would rather be in bed with it .The strange thing is that while I had seen many people from Nepal in Delhi , I had never thought about their origins and what kind of society they came from . My uncle’s servants are all Nepalese but my uncle’s standing instructions were not to engage too much with them. When necessary we were to speak to them in Hindi and that was it.There were Nepalese from the wealthier classes in university but I had never spoken to them other than when strictly necessary. To me they were unknown and whose existence I registered and moved on. But for the Nepalese , it is very different. They are hemmed in between India and China . India hangs over their lives like the reality of the Himalayas overseeing the Kathmandu valley.

We reach the hotel , a stately property on the Durbar Marg in Kathmandu . The ex-royal palace stands nearby in regal splendor. This hotel is still owned by the former Royal Family .Its very quiet at the reception and during the check in the receptionist misspells my name . I correct him rather brusquely and he looks up giving a rather sheepish smile .

I look at him rather pointedly and he smiles once again , correcting the error . I think to myself , this man is so handsome … I better not let him realize the effect he is having on me . Having convinced and disciplined myself to reject carnal temptations I was rather shocked to be attracted to this man who seemed more like a boy out of school . Lest my manner give things away , I hurriedly collected the room keys and went straight to the room

The room was as expected spacious and the housekeeping upto specification . The windows …. I caught the sight of the sun setting over the Himalaya… magnificent , a sight to remember.

I was hungry and tired … and then remembered I had to meet a Nepalese gay, “a friend with benefits” of someone I know in India. . I try calling him up , the network is awful . On trying for the fifth time , I finally get through.

We converse , and agree to meet on Durbar Marg. I then have a bath and fall asleep.

I wake up a few hours later when the phone in the room rings. “Sir, a gentleman is waiting for you in the Lobby. Are you expecting him ? “ the message is pertinent but the messenger’s voice perks me up. I have to meet the guy with this voice – I tell myself.

“Sure … which shift are you on ? “

I can sense the surprise in his voice as I can sense the surprise in mine … I immediately correct myself . Well I needed some directions to proceed to my destination tomorrow . I needed your guidance for that. The receptionist perks up , I am doing a double shift . You can take any help you would like after midnight .

Sounds great .. Midnight today is extremely auspicious .. I muse . Then loudly speak into the receiver … “Please tell my guest to be seated in the Lobby . I am just coming to meet him in 10 minutes “

“Mirror , Mirror on the wall … please tell me I am the fairest of them all “ My mirror cannot speak and I take the liberty of interpreting its silence as consent. ;-)

Where is the gel , the face cream . the moisturizer, I have got to look better than bedraggled. Anyway time to meet the gentleman who is waiting for me .

………

We are walking in Thamel , the tourist area in Kathmandu. It’s a bit like Pahargunj , the area where backpackers and foreign tourists on tight budget stay in Delhi . Pahargunj reeks of sleaze and filth. Thamel is a lot cleaner and neater. The Punjabi businessmen of Pahargunj are replaced by seasoned Nepali veterans of the tourist trade. Sex seems to be just around the corner. My contact whispers about the areas where prostitution flourishes. Its cold .. brightly lit and yet some street lights are not working. I hear that all the lights in Thamel are powered by generators. Power cuts 16 hours long are the norm in Nepal.

We see a lot of Caucasians in Thamel , very few Indians , some Chinese and Tibetans. Its getting late and my contact urges me to return . It is not safe to be here at this time , he says. Discretion being the better part of valour I take his advice and decide to head back to the hotel.

On the way back we stop at a small restaurant and have dinner . Over dinner we converse about life in India and Nepal. My contact asks me about gay life in India . My response will be carried in the next post on this blog .

We then talk about Nepal. He tells me that its tough for gay people . Though there are a few western funded organizations working for gay rights the overall picture is depressing. His parents expected him to get married in 2009 and he knew the event would come to pass soon.

I then ask him about Nepal , its prospects and how he feels about India.

He is not optimistic about his country. The country has just emerged from civil war. Nepal’s royal dictatorship had masked many ethnic , caste and linguistic fissures which were waiting to explode. Poverty is crippling with people willing to go to any extent to survive. The middle classes try and send their children outside the country . The Nepalese elite have all invested their wealth in India or in other foreign countries. He was working in the USA and sent money home which enabled his parents to survive and educate his younger siblings.

And India ?

He feels India wants to conquer Nepal in the long run. India claims the most revered parts of Nepal’s heritage as its own. He gave me the example of India claiming the Buddha and Mount Everest as its own. Though I find his comments hilarious , I change the topic and steer the discussion towards less choppy waters.

…

I am back at the hotel and enter the lobby as the clock strikes 12 . My eyes turn to the reception and I see what I wanted to see. I start conversing with the receptionist and take “directions” . Tomorrow is going to be one busy day. I ask him casually if he will be on the night shift the following night . He says yes ..Yipee … I feel like a fool

Good Night Sir , says he : I say “not so soon” and he looks at me surprised . I smile expansively and say that a wake up call in the morning would be much appreciated. “ Will be done”

Its night… no early morning 1 AM .. Everything is so silent I should be sleeping but I cannot sleep.Lets see Television and I flip between BBC and CNN. Some boring world crisis with diplomatic air bags spouting profound nonsense about world peace. Normally politics is something I love , but this time its something else. But I am tired , The TV stays on while I fall asleep.

…

The next day passes in a whirl . I meet a german who is working in Nepal in lieu of the military service he would have to perform back home. He tells me more interesting things about Nepal . There is a lot of beauty in the hills , he says looking at the expanse around us . “lot of beauty ? “ . of course , I emphatically agree – its just that the definition of beauty which can lead to the difference in interpretation.

Night – I am back in the hotel .. No , I didn’t get into bed with the charming receptionist .I did have a long conversation with him though. Maybe he will meet me when he visits New Delhi . Maybe I would have left New Delhi by that time

Who Knows?

The flight back home is uneventful . But Nepal Airlines is as customer friendly as they were earlier. At least consistency is there , I muse..

To sum up , I felt sad about Nepal. A country with incredible potential , but mismanaged by its leadership.. I just hope they achieve change which delivers tangible benefits to the people.

New Horizons , Old Echos

“ Age makes such a difference to the way a man looks” Says Akshat . “ What is new in that ?? It Does , but why do you bring this up suddenly ? “ I ask.


“Jalaj , you .. you are so suspicious about everything !”

“ Well with you I never know !” I pause and catch his shoulder and turn him around deftly till his eyes lock into mine …

“ So , Darling .. Who was he ? “


“ you are such a B***h … ok .. remember the guy I slept with ages back .. the Bengali Advertising executive “

“Yes the one who wrote the statement of purpose and wetted your applications for the foreign universities you had applied too ? Is he still alive , even then he was positively ancient !!! “

“ Shut up ! He was cute then !!! “doable” Now he looks like Grandfather Time .. “

“So aren’t you going to do the honours with him again ? He was the love of your life at one point of time … “

“ Says who ? he is a page in the history books .. and Jalaj you know Akshat. Akshat never looks back at the past . The guy wanted young flesh to squeeze , I wanted to get my work done … it was a trade - off . Of course one has to exhibit some delicacy in the entire affair . Package it as “love” . Though I know your views in this regard . “

“Forget it , Akshat .. the morality or otherwise of your actions is not for me to judge . So please don’t trouble yourself or genuflect to my sense of the correct. You don’t need to “

“I love the fact that you are so non-judgmental”

“ Akshat , I don’t judge anyone simply because I don’t assume that I am morally superior to anyone else . I do observe things though, but they are just that .. observations and not judgments !!!”

“Hmmm”

Akshat doesn’t know that I blog !

“ So jalaj , tell me whats happening in your life ?”

“ My life ? Well my formal education is slated to come to a close … for now in the next few months . Its time to re join the workforce again . “

“Oh Great , where are you headed ?”

“ I don’t know … will know in two months time .. . But my mother already has plans .”

“Plans .. what kind of plans .. ? “

“ She wants me to get married next year “

“ What … to a woman .. well obviously to a woman ! I was expecting this to come .. sooner or later . Well the day of reckoning has come ! It had to .. sooner rather than later What are you planning to do ? “


Well .. What am I planning to do ? A Good Question . After my last effort at a relationship ended in smithereens this very month one year back .. I was in a state of shock . The person who did that to me , knew that I blogged . I was in pain and I didn’t want to show him or anyone else that I was in pain. Its better to suffer in silence rather than let those who laugh at your suffering derive pleasure from your agony. I reduced my blogging frequency to a bare minimum . It helped that I was busy , that the amount of work which studies imposed on me deadened my mind and let me inure myself to the pain. Over the last few months a few things have changed . I want to blog again .

As for my mother and her demands , I have told her my career comes first for me now . The rest is all a matter of detail . I cannot tell her more since there exist red lines between us when it comes to discussing certain aspects of my life .Its Sunset as I finish writing this post. I stand in the balcony observing the amaranth tinted winter sky turn vermillion as the shadows lengthen. Yet as I draw the curtains I sense some fissures of amaranth continue to streak the sky Fissures which have turned into a crevasse that stretches far unto the horizon.

The Blog Continues ... On Blogspot now !

This is my new blog. Since the blog at http://vaivaswat.rediffblogs.com is not accessible, my blog continues here.

New Posts shall soon follow.

Jalaj